Water, water, and MORE water!

Yesterday Rob and I went white water rafting at Wilderness Tours in Renfrew(I think...) and had a BLAST!!! This place is pretty cool, even for people who don't like rafting. There is a camping ground, bungee platform, kayaking (in non-deadly rapids - also available) and much more. If you want to plan an exciting holiday of outdoor fun, check this place out!

This was our second time risking our lives in deadly waters and here is how our little journey unfolded...

We got up and left the house at 7h45 on a SUNDAY morning and picked up "H" downtown and then headed off to Wilderness Tours, which is about an hour and a half out of Ottawa.

Around 9am Rob and I were starving to we stopped at McDonald's because we are weak. You will be glad to know that we resisted the 1 million grams of fat McGriddle and chose the Egg McMuffin, which only contains 500 000 grams of fat, instead! "H", being in excellent shape and all, did not order anything, making us feel even more like shit. Thanks buddy! Between 9h01 and 9h04 Rob and I devoured like cavemen ate our combos joyfully.

We arrived at Widerness Tours around 9h30 and let me tell you, we were f***ing freezing! I think it was about 15 degrees or something crazy like that. So cold that my nipples were poking through my 18 layers of clothing. Can someone PLEASE explain to me one thing?

Why did I almost DIE in the bus last Monday because it was so HOT, and then almost died again every day of the week because it was so humid that the f***ing air literally attached itself to my lungs? And then the ONE day you want it to be warm its - 100 degrees!!

After thawing out in the cabin, we had to go get our gear which included a helmet (that is worn by thousands of people so I wore a bandana to make sure that NO part of my head touched it), a bodysuit top, a life jacket, and a paddle. Well, let me tell you, the stench that came out of the bodysuit thing was U-N-R-E-A-L! I had to choose between losing my nipples, or enduring the BO/swamp smell for the day, I chose the smell. "I need my nipples" I thought...

So all geared up and smelly, we walked down to the river to embark on our voyage! It was around 11am by that time. We go through the safety measures, do this so you don't die, if you do this you will die, blah blah. At 11h05 we were off. We started paddling away, heading towards our first rapid! BOOYIA!

While we were waiting for our turn to go down the rapid, this guy with a dumb ass video camera was filming people randomly...I thought to myslef: "Oh God, imagine if he were to film me...I would..." I hadn't even finished my thought when all I saw was a f***ing thingy in my face. Yep, there he was, Video Man, in-my-face! So all excited and waaaaay too pumped he asks me "So, how ya' doin?" All I could reply was '"Goooooood" in the most lame and pathetic tone you can imagine. They showed the video afterwards and I looked FAR worse than I actually thought I did. Holy shit, did I ever look like a dumb-ass, Rob was pissing his pants!

After that horrific incident we finally went down the rapid. All was good, people were paddlin' away like idiots (yes - including me) and all of a sudden half the guys in front of me fall into the bottom part of the raft (at this point the raft is vertical - not horizontal) including a 13 year old kid. So Rob, being the kind person he is, decides to leap OFF the raft to avoid crushing the poor kid at the bottom of the raft! So, no more Rob!

Suddenly I see his freggin' yellow helmet bopping up and down in the rapids....but then, when I think he's safe, he gets pulled under by the current again. Holy shit, he's gonna die (didn't he listen to the rules at the beginning?). When he resurfaced again he was closer to the raft so we were able to pull him in...all body parts intact. Thank God!! I guess the entertainment was worth the quasi-heart attack.

Once people stopped laughing at Rob we headed towards the second rapid, which happened to be called Butcher Knife....good times! This one was fun too but not as crazy. Rob stayed in the raft along with everyone else. Afterwards we all jumped into the water and let ourselves and my pee be dragged down the river by the current.

Then at 1pm it was lunch. We were starving yet again so we ate plenty! With our tummies full we headed back out on the river. We went through a couple more rapids and then went cliff jumping. After people competed to see who could do the biggest canonball, we left for some rapid surfing. Now THAT was fun!!

Rapid surfing is when your raft kinda gets sucked into the rapid, stays there for a couple of seconds, and gets spit back out(kinda hard to explain...). Anyways, there is a part in the video where you see Rob and I in the front getting facewashed by the rapids. At one point, all you can see are 2 yellow dots through the water. This was by far the best part of the trip!

Our trip ended around 5pm so we went back to the cabin, changed into dry clothes that did not smell like BO/swamp and went for a beer and something to eat. By the time we got home it was 10pm. We were exhausted!

So in spite of the smelly outfit and not so warm weather, we had a blast. We will be sure to go back soon! Any takers?

Double D - out

Death to OC!

As you all know, I live in Orléans, about 15 minutes out of Ottawa. I work in Ottawa and because the traffic is beyond retarded from Orléans to Ottawa, I take the bus. Can yobelieveve that I live 15 minutes out of Ottawa but it would take me AT LEAST 45 minutes by car on a good day and cost me 150$ a month in parking? And lets not forget part of my sanity due to road rage related issues. So to avoid all that BS I take the bus. Its better for the environment, cheaper than driving, the bus driver deals with dumb ass drivers that deserve to be shot, and I can peacefully drink my much needed morning coffee. No brainer right? WRONG!!!! E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y I get into work pissed off, or, option B, when I get home at night. Today was definitely, option A.


I had a really rough weekend so I had to drag my fat ass out of bed (even harder to do when my significant other is sleeping soundly next to me). Anyways, after showering and poking my eyeballs out while trying to put in my contacts, I go downstairs to make myself a nice gallon of coffee. Well, well, looka here, there's no fucking milk!!!!! Son of a bitch! Why me? Screw it, I'll drink it without the cow juice and add a cup of sugar to compensate.


While I sip my coffee I look at the time...its 7:21 and my bus passes at 7:23. No need to panic - throw her in high gear and she'll make it, no problem. I grab my milkless coffee, bolt out the door, and I start running (if you can call that running) down my street. As I am running towards the bus stop I can hear the bus coming. So I throw her in super high gear and sprint towards the bus stop, jumping over the street curbs like an Olympic hurdle jumper. After avoiding getting run over by a car, I make it to about 5 feet from the bus doors. Haleluia! I made it, so I keep running towards the doors...OMG NO, NO, the bus is actually f***ing leaving!!!


And so I stood there, looking through the back window, watching the people at my stop taking a seat in the bus like a shit head. It was just like in the movies when a mother's son is going away to school and she watches him looking back at her through the back window of the car...well ok, maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but you get the picture.


I was so PISSSSSSSSSSED!!! I felt the urge to run next to the bus and give the driver the finger. Instead, I took my coffee mug and threw it at the bus. Okay, maybe not, but I wanted to! And what makes me even more angry is that a lady I take the bus with TOLD the driver I was coming, TWICE!! What does he say? She can walk to the corner and take another bus! You asshole!!! So the next morning I have him THE nastiest look.


This happened to me before, when I lived in Vanier (that on is own deserves a post) but that time my foot was literally in mid-air as I was taking a step INTO the bus when the driver closed the doors and left! So I took my cell phone, called OC Crapo, and gave a client service lady HELL! You don't wanna mess with me in the morning. They don't call me 'Grizzly' for nothing motha' suckas'!

And its not just the fact that most drivers are bad ones, but the buses are old (some older than me, yes like 30 years old!), they have NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO air conditioning, and if they do, they don't turn it on (I once told the driver to turn it on and he said it was "broken") so you boil to death in the summer. And the list goes on and on...

So my dilemma is this: should I suck it up or should I start taking my car and possible killing someone? what would you do?

Double D - out